The Paradox of Fall
Lately in the mornings, as I corral the kids out to the car and off to school, I have been pausing to marvel at the arrival of fall. I notice the signs of a slight briskness in the air, the direct glare of the sunrise on my 7:15 a.m. drive, the purposeful scurrying of neighborhood squirrels; all are evidence of a process of transition. As someone who has been a student more often than not, September still signals to me a feeling of newness and excitement: new notebooks and pencils, goals and planners, a fresh start. These fall moments often bring a smile to my face as I rush through my day.
This year, however, I am considering in a different way the little losses and deaths that usher in that feeling of a fresh start. After all, summer is coming to a close and we will never have this summer again. There are so many summer adventures and projects that I did not have or complete. Perhaps even more wrenching is realizing the joyful experiences I have had are done as well, and cannot happen the same way again. My kids will never be this very age again. Like the crunchy leaves under my feet, there are countless deaths that accompany the arrival of fall. In fact, these losses are necessary.
Many of you, I am sure, have read and appreciated Rumi’s “The Guest House.” This passage has been resonating with me lately:
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
“Clearing you out for some new delight”: such is the nature of this season of harvest. Yes, we can reflect on the bounty of our lives and we can take joy in this most recent season of productivity, of brightness, of activity. Yet we also can accept, even embrace, the sorrows and grieving of everything we are losing in the process of starting anew. It is the acceptance of loss that “clears us out” for the life we wish to live now.
How might we approach this cornucopia of experiences in a wholehearted way? In my previous clinical work, I was a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) practitioner. DBT encourages exploration of the inescapable paradoxes of life, where two seemingly opposite ideas each hold truth and meaning. Some examples of these dialectics are “so many things have changed since last year AND every day feels the same” or “I am furious at my sister AND I accept her the way that she is.” In DBT, these dialectical truths are not resolved by picking the “most right” one, but rather, by adopting a “both and” stance, allowing for the nuance and complexity of human experience.
As we consider the dialectic of fall, both “I am excited about the months to come” AND “I am grieving the losses of the season,” it is likely that one of these truths seems more difficult to accept and integrate. Consider the following practice of radical acceptance, which can facilitate such integration. As Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, stated,
Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging. [It is a] complete and total openness to the facts of reality as they are, without throwing a tantrum and growing angry (Linehan, 2021; p. 503).
In the presence of disparate and conflicting experiences, the practice of radical acceptance allows us to experience the broad range of our emotions and thoughts, without fighting reality. Here is a mindfulness practice you might try (Taitz, 2021):
Acknowledge the present. The most important part is to be mindful of your situation, paying attention to it in a non-judgmental way. For example, you might notice a sense of loss or sorrow, and simply allow that feeling to be as it is.
Ask yourself if you can control or change the situation. It can be painful to acknowledge that you’re not always in control, but it can also be freeing.
Let go of judgment. Practicing radical acceptance means letting go of judgment and experiencing things as they actually are. Often, we need to acknowledge judgments to let them go. For example, I have been looking with regret at my garden this year, at the plans I had that did not come to fruition. I can acknowledge self-judgments like “I should be more motivated to get things done” or “My neighbors are much more skilled at this,” and then let them go.
Let the past be in the past. Remind yourself that the past cannot be changed. The past–no matter whether good or bad–happened. My summer happened the way it happened.
Breathe. This may sound simple, but it can be extremely effective. Whenever you are fighting reality, your body may get tense in parts such as the shoulders, face, or stomach. So take deep breaths for a few moments and focus on them. When you practice noticing your breath, you may ground yourself in the present moment and become more relaxed.
Be patient. Choose to practice radical acceptance on a daily basis and understand that it takes time to master it.
Practice. Practice accepting smaller situations so that when bigger challenges come along, you’ll have already developed these skills.
Another brief intervention to practice radical acceptance can be done when noticing pain or distress that one does not wish to have. Simply stating the following can build the practice of leaning into discomfort:
This is painful/uncomfortable.
Pain is a universal experience of being human.
I can tolerate it.
I am working to acknowledge the richness and the inherent paradox of fall. As I breathe in the crisp air I also notice the smell of death in the leaves on the ground. As I look around and appreciate the opportunity for something new, I also leave space for melancholy and sorrow.
Linehan, M. (2021). Building a life worth living: A memoir. Random House Trade Paperbacks
Taitz, J. (2021). Radical Acceptance Can Keep Emotional Pain From Turning Into Suffering. The New York Times.
